Bishops Stortford misery!!!

As the title suggests, I not only failed again but I totally flunked it!! My morning round was the worst I have played for about 6-7 years and it was simply humiliating and a degrading experience that left me feeling for the first time that I just wanted to throw the towel in and go home. I didnt - I'm better than that but many people did!!!

The weather was appalling. I woke up to the sound of howling winds and rain splatting my hotel window and instantly thought ''god i'm really not up for this today''. I desperately wanted them to cancel the event, but they didnt!!

Bishops Stortford was playing unbelievably tough. It is a very tight treelined golf course and the majority of the holes there run from an east-to-west direction or vice versa and the accompanying northerly wind meant that we were playing to very narrow fairways against very strong crosswinds which made it extremely tough (not the mention the flooded greens!). I got very frustrated as I hit a number of decent drives that caught the wind slightly and went sometimes only 2 yards off the fairway and I was either under a bush or totally blocked out by either bushes or trees. It was better to be 30 yards wide which I wasn't.

The only plus of the day was I picked myself up in the afternoon and shot a very good 76 which when I left (I was the 5th group out of 7) was the best score that afternoon. This was a small concilation but didnt make me feel much better as it didnt affect the outcome.

I dont know what happens to me at these events. With the exception of my first test I have had at least one round in each one comfortably in the 70s and one nightmare. Its almost as if for half the day I dont even turn up - some alien takes over my body and makes me play awfully, and for the other half I go ahead and produce the golf I know I am capable of and having been working towards. Why cannot I not seem to put it all together? My ball striking in the afternoon round was awesome but again, if I had puted well, the whole thing could have been a different story.

It's so unbelievably frustrating and I hate the fact that it is holding me back from achieving my goals and dreams. I cant even achieve phase 1!!! I have realised that this test seems to go beyond all the hard work I put in! It has to, I have done everything I can to prepare myself and seem to play really good golf on all days surrounding the test but cant produce the goods on the actual day - far from it and I hate even more how it must look to other people and what they must think about me!
I know I could potentially be very good indeed at this game but there must be a threshold to my self-belief. Each test whittles it down more and more which is probably why i've screwed it up so many times. Who knows? I'm open to suggestions as i'm totally lost and disillusioned with the game at present.

I've got probably a month to refocus and get my act together (again!) but when all is said and done, my ability is not the issue here, I dont have a clue what the issue is???

Till next time.....

The next test......

Well I've finished licking my wounds now. To be honest, yeah I was a bit down for a couple of days but was kind of dragged out of that way of thinking by both Rachael, my girlfriend visiting and realising to myself 'you know what, you're ready to pass this now, it just didnt happen this time round!' - a big step. I realised that I have definitely raised my game and that those final holes were just an unfortunate run that could happen to anyone!

I am booked in back at good ol' Bishops Stortford on Monday and I'm very excited to go back there as I now feel I have the game to tear this particular course to pieces. I have well and truly cured the ailment I had there last year which is accuracy off the tee (last year on my second test I only hit 4 fairways all day!) and to be honest as I recall, from the fairway this is a very straight forward course that provides plenty of opportunities (not to mention a 2 shot bigger target score).

This time round, failure is simply not an option! It is utterly unacceptable. I demand a comfortable pass of myself and I'm bloody well gonna do it too. There will be some strong questions to ask of myself if I don't!!! I shall be playing 'no-holds-barred' golf and I don't physically see how, without the exception of horrible weather, I cant shoot 2 rounds in the low 70's here, as I maintain that right now my golf game is buzzing and on the verge of doing something very special - i know it!!!
I have been addressing the problem in my putting stroke with my boss and he gave me a fantastic lesson today in which my entire attitude towards putting has changed. It's amazing how poor my setup to the ball when putting was, but I am confident that with his guidance and 3 good days work that I can ingrain these changes and make them feel comfortable.

The rest of my game is in maintenance mode right now.

I am certain I will pass Monday, it will take something very extreme to upset this! The support of my family, friends and colleagues has been brilliant and they all managed to pick me right back up and help me keep it all in perspective! After all, they're right! It is only a game and if it goes wrong, well I'll go back and try again. If it goes wrong after that, I'll go back again. I don't care how many goes it takes me to do this for two reasons - one, I refuse to be ultimately beaten by this and two, I know I can do well in the pro game afterwards and this whole episode/era will soon become a distant memory that i'm adamant has taught me some great lessons about golf that will give me an advantage in the future. After all, how often does your average golfer subject themself to golf under this amount of pressure??? I now feel comfortable in this environment, I just have to let my game flow too and it will - soon!!!

Again, FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION THIS TIME!!!!!!!!!!

The saga continues......

Well unfortunately the outcome to my test was failure by one shot. That's twice now i've missed it by one but yesterday's one was far more painful than any other. All I can say really is that two bad swings and a LOT of missed short putts culminated in a collapse I didnt think possible.

It was a very up and down day really and with the exception of my final 6 holes I felt very comfortable and certain that I was gonna cruise through. The morning round was particularly solid and I was very proud of the way I knuckled down, considering after 5 holes I thought I was going to be disqualified. I chipped into the hole and the ball got wedged in between the flagstick and the edge of the hole. Without thinking, the dickhead of a caddy to one of the other players in my group picked my ball out of the hole before it had dropped all the way to the bottom. As far as I was concerned, it was a disqualification but wouldnt know until after 9 holes. So I had to continue, knowing I was playing well and was probably gonna be on my way home by home by 11 o clock. I was also preparing myself for demanding that the guys caddy not only gave me the money for another test but also the £60 I'd spent on staying a hotel the night before as I certainly hadn't come here for some pillock to get me disqualified.

I explained the situation to the officials and they said to finish my round and that they would let me know afterwards. 'Great', I thought. I've now got to go ahead and finish what I know is going to be a good round and just pray i'd be ok. I don't think before I would have had the ability to do this but I managed to put it all to the back of my mind and finish the round with a steady 75 (including a ton of missed opportunities), leaving a 10 shot cushion for the afternoon.

I got back to officials who told me that as my ball was under the lip of the hole when it was picked out, I was ok. I was over the moon and certain that now nothing could stop me blitzing it round in the afternoon.

This was where I knew i'd have to put into practise all the mental stuff i'd been working on and was certain that whatever happened, I wouldn't let my temporament interfere and i'd take whatever came my way on the chin. The afternoon was perhaps one of the most painful rounds i've ever played to be honest but I maintain I took each thing on the chin and stayed as positive as I could. I simply got 'stagefright' on the greens and just couldnt putt a damn thing. It was ludicrous and a few loose shots certainly weren't helping. I just couldn't stop my hands shaking on my putts.
Anyways, I battle back and birdied my 9th and 12th holes to leave a 6 shot cushion going into the last 6 holes.
I snap-hooked one out of bounds on the next but stayed calm and reminded myself that I still had loads of shots to play with and was in great shape. I played a solid second ball but unfortunately it was a double bogey and then I bogeyed the tough 14th too.
Again, I said to myself that I was still in great shape and if I par the par-5 15th then I will have a 3 shot cushion with 3 holes to play. Unfortunately I twitched again on a tap-in par putt and this was the first point at which I felt truly unsettled.

On the 16th I pushed my ball into the semi rough and could not find my ball anywhere but again reminded myself that if I can par the second ball and make a double bogey, then I will just have to dig deep on the last 2 holes make 2 very good pars. I hit a solid 9 iron in and made my double.

The 17th is a 180 yard par 3 with a very small green. I took a few deep breaths and struck a sweet 6 iron that went straight over the pin and left me with a 30 foot putt back, which I managed to 2 putt (just!) leaving me walking to 18 needing a par to pass.

18 is a very tough par 4 with water down the right side and I knew I had to hit a perfect drive to give me a good chance. With a few deep breaths I managed to rip a 3 wood straight down the middle of the fairway and a shot left of about 150 yards. This was where I reminded myself that I've worked really hard and deserve this - all I need now is just one good swing. I pulled out a 9 iron and hit it just great - too great!!! It again went straight over the top of the flag and over the green too! I couldn't believe it, thats a bloody long way to hit a 9 iron. What can I say, only poor execution would have saved the shot as I hit it exactly as I wanted. What more can I ask of myself?

Anyways I hit a great recovery and left myself a 3 foot putt to pass. Sadly, I couldnt have hit a worse putt and failure finally dawned on me.

I felt very numb afterwards. I dont know what more I could have done. I ate, drank loads of water, stayed calm and patient, stuck with my swing and trusted my ability and for a large part performed very well with it. For the last 6 holes it was like someone took over my body and it was like that on the greens all day anyway. The main positive I take from this is that I could not possibly have shot a higher score in either round and with all the missed short putts and other errors, was one shot out. One shot less out of the 158 shots I had and i would have been in.
It's a very fine line obviously but the main thing is I know that I can pass playing badly which was my target.

Oh well, there you have it. Onward and upward. Its done now.....

3 days left........

It's very close to my test now and in my heart of hearts I feel I am as ready to go play as I've ever been. I'm very proud of the way I've dedicated myself to preparing for this and all areas seem to be at a standard now where even if I perform poorly, I should still pass (hopefully). Obviously thursday will be the proper acid test and a big fat pass will be the proof of the pudding.

The forecast is for a bit of rain which is unfortunate although, providing I can hold my clubs ok, could be a good omen as I have been known to play well in poor conditions before. Also, it may serve as a welcome distraction (in a twisted way) from the pressure of the event and slightly difuse the intensity of it.

Although this may sound negative, I have fullly prepared myself for another failure (how could I not!) but am truly not expecting it. I have improved so much from last year and would like to think that I now have the experience to cope with whatever comes my way on the day. I know that if it ends badly then again I will be able to take a lot from it and of course will be straight back on the horse (after licking my wounds for a couple of days). My only real concern is the nerves I know i'll have, particularly towards the end of the day regardless of how i'm doing. This will serve me well to keep me focused and I have learned breathing techniques to help me cope with it, but the thought of it still makes me slightly uneasy.

I played in a comp at the weekend and the 72 I shot was a very promising sign of what I could expect on thurs as I hit the ball relatively poorly! To do that and shoot +1 is very exciting for me as feel that if I can peak thursday I may exceed even my own exectations.

That, for now, is all I can say on this matter. The time for talking and speculation is over as I know that it is totally irrelevant when I tee it up thursday. Time to perform methinks.

Wish me luck........