Bishops Stortford misery!!!

As the title suggests, I not only failed again but I totally flunked it!! My morning round was the worst I have played for about 6-7 years and it was simply humiliating and a degrading experience that left me feeling for the first time that I just wanted to throw the towel in and go home. I didnt - I'm better than that but many people did!!!

The weather was appalling. I woke up to the sound of howling winds and rain splatting my hotel window and instantly thought ''god i'm really not up for this today''. I desperately wanted them to cancel the event, but they didnt!!

Bishops Stortford was playing unbelievably tough. It is a very tight treelined golf course and the majority of the holes there run from an east-to-west direction or vice versa and the accompanying northerly wind meant that we were playing to very narrow fairways against very strong crosswinds which made it extremely tough (not the mention the flooded greens!). I got very frustrated as I hit a number of decent drives that caught the wind slightly and went sometimes only 2 yards off the fairway and I was either under a bush or totally blocked out by either bushes or trees. It was better to be 30 yards wide which I wasn't.

The only plus of the day was I picked myself up in the afternoon and shot a very good 76 which when I left (I was the 5th group out of 7) was the best score that afternoon. This was a small concilation but didnt make me feel much better as it didnt affect the outcome.

I dont know what happens to me at these events. With the exception of my first test I have had at least one round in each one comfortably in the 70s and one nightmare. Its almost as if for half the day I dont even turn up - some alien takes over my body and makes me play awfully, and for the other half I go ahead and produce the golf I know I am capable of and having been working towards. Why cannot I not seem to put it all together? My ball striking in the afternoon round was awesome but again, if I had puted well, the whole thing could have been a different story.

It's so unbelievably frustrating and I hate the fact that it is holding me back from achieving my goals and dreams. I cant even achieve phase 1!!! I have realised that this test seems to go beyond all the hard work I put in! It has to, I have done everything I can to prepare myself and seem to play really good golf on all days surrounding the test but cant produce the goods on the actual day - far from it and I hate even more how it must look to other people and what they must think about me!
I know I could potentially be very good indeed at this game but there must be a threshold to my self-belief. Each test whittles it down more and more which is probably why i've screwed it up so many times. Who knows? I'm open to suggestions as i'm totally lost and disillusioned with the game at present.

I've got probably a month to refocus and get my act together (again!) but when all is said and done, my ability is not the issue here, I dont have a clue what the issue is???

Till next time.....